


Wonderful Tonight

by maniclust



Category: Hanson (Band)
Genre: Boys Kissing, Fluff, Fluffity Fluff Fluff with a Side of Fluffy Bunny Tail, Gen, Giving thanks, Incest, Men Crying, One Shot, POV First Person, Panic Attacks, Self-Doubt, Separation Anxiety, Sibling Incest, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-26
Updated: 2013-11-26
Packaged: 2019-06-19 20:20:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,686
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15517821
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maniclust/pseuds/maniclust





	Wonderful Tonight

**Author's Note:**

> This story represents my inner marshmallow.

[”I feel wonderful because I see the love light in your eyes. And the wonder of it all is that you just don’t realize how much I love you.”](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vUSzL2leaFM)

The mere two year age difference between us meant that I had been close to Zac his entire life. I remember curiously peering over Mom’s shoulder at him when he was being changed and eagerly reaching out my chubby little fingers to help hold his bottle during feeding time. There were countless photos of me leaning over to kiss his cheeks, differing stages of laughter caught on his lips as he grasped for me every time. To look at any photos of us growing up was to look at a big brother that was smitten with his little brother. From the moment his tiny fingers had gripped at mine, he had my heart. 

It was my mission to help teach him everything that I could. My heart broke when his first steps were toward Mom instead of me. I didn’t like it when family members or strangers would pay him attention. Not because I wanted them to be paying attention to me, but because that meant his focus was somewhere else. He was _my_ Zac, not theirs. Why didn’t anyone understand that?

Thankfully, when he grew older I didn’t have to worry about other people stealing his attention away because he was just as devoted to me as I was to him. We would spend hours on the floor playing together, making up our own worlds and building them via Lego. I was good at describing the images in my mind while he was good at capturing them with his crayons--always looking to me to see if he had gotten it right. He always did. It was never in question. We shared a brain much in the same way that I imagined twins did. Even if I couldn’t find the right descriptive words he somehow still always _knew_.

I grew used to him always looking to me for affirmation when he was trying something new. As the music became a large part of our lives, I learned how to play the drums so that I could coax him along and help give him confidence in what he was doing. I was right there to place my hand upon his stomach when he sang, helping him to steady his voice. When he started to write songs I was his biggest champion. The one to stare at him in awe when he took that creativity he’d been displaying for years and put it into the words of a song. To put it simply, I was his biggest fan.

Going through puberty started to steal away some of the confident light that he had exhibited from the day he learned how to crawl. That fierce determination to conquer the world started to slip away from him as self doubt began to creep in. Growing up in the spotlight meant that the entire world was along for his most awkward moments. The voice cracking, pimples, fluctuating weight… it all came under intense scrutiny. It pained me to see him so sad when no one else was around. Even sometimes in public, he was so withdrawn and quiet that it was impossible to hide. 

“Is there something wrong with me, Tay?”

When he asked me questions like that my heart absolutely split in two. I always assured him that there was, in fact, not a damn thing wrong with him and to me he was absolutely perfect. He always gave me a soft smile, but I knew that there were still doubts. Once or twice he even thanked me before murmuring that he knew I had to say that because I loved him. It had been my mission from early in life to make sure that he always felt appreciated and I wasn’t going to give up at all.

The panic attacks started to set in for him out of nowhere. Months and months of rejection from the record label had taken a serious toll on him. I spent countless hours with his face buried against my chest as he cried, releasing all of the pent up emotion that came with the disappointment. He didn’t feel that he was good enough and I reassured him over and over that he was better than good. That he was amazing. He was beautiful. His voice was beautiful and if they couldn’t hear that they were deaf. 

Upon learning that I was going to be getting married, he had the worst panic attack I had ever seen from him. His face was pressed against my thighs as he kneeled down before me on the couch, holding onto me and just gasping for air. I was worried about him and he was inconsolable. That night, when he finally fell asleep in my arms, holding on to me so tightly he left bruises on my skin, I cried. I cried because I felt like I was hurting him. Like I was the problem instead of the solution. I felt like I was losing him.

Returning home from my honeymoon meant learning that he hadn’t spoken to anyone while I was gone. He had retreated into himself and hidden away in his own head without me there. Mom was scared that something was wrong with him, her words causing anger in me. For the first time in my life, I snapped at her--telling her there was absolutely nothing _wrong_ with him. And there wasn’t. He just needed me. He needed to know that being married with a child on the way wasn’t going to change our relationship. 

“Zac?”

The way his head had lifted, his eyes seeking me out hopefully as I entered his room filled me with a warmth that had been missing since I had left for Hawaii. No amount of sun that I got on the beach could touch me the way that his gaze did and we both broke out into a wide smile. 

He nearly knocked me over as he threw himself across the room and into my arms. We didn’t need to speak as we held on tightly, just reveling in the idea of being close again after a week apart. Separation anxiety was a real thing and I knew that I had left him at the worst possible time. Things with our career still weren’t settled and that uncertainty had left him vulnerable to all kinds of different emotions. 

“I’m home now,” I murmured to him. “I’m sorry for leaving. I thought about you every day and night hoping that things were okay here.”

“I should be able to function without you,” he said, sadly. “I shouldn’t fall apart just because you aren’t there.”

It was obvious that he was beating himself up. That he felt guilty for needing me so much. I could see it in his eyes as I pulled back to look at him. The way they darted around the room, his full lips turned down into a frown. I ached for him. Ached to be able to make it all go away and take away the pain he was obviously carrying around on his shoulders. 

“You really don’t realize how much I love you, do you?” I whispered in his ear, nuzzling into his hair. “Just like you don’t realize how gorgeous you are. How you light up a room with your smile. How you light _me_ up with your smile. How much I’m the one that needs you.”

His arms slid around my waist and he held on to me tightly. Silence fell over us as I focused on the rise and fall of his chest against mine, his breathing timing itself with mine so that we were in complete unison, my hand sweeping wide patterns over his back. 

“I think you’re the one that doesn’t realize how much I love you, Tay,” he finally murmured against my skin. 

My eyes fluttered shut at his words and I softly spoke into his hair that I knew. That I had always known.

“No one will ever love us the way that we love each other, Zac. I’m always going to be here for you no matter what. Nothing makes me feel the way that you do when you are near me. Getting married doesn’t change that. I know it’s an adjustment for you and it is for me too, but we still have each other. I still _need_ you just as much as I always have. No one is going to replace that in my life. No one could take away what I feel for you, little brother.”

“I’m sorry for being such a baby about everything, but you’ve always been my anchor. When you’re close to me I feel like everything is going to be okay. You make me feel wonderful, Taylor. You always have and I know that you always will. Thank you for loving me the way that you do. For always being there. For making me feel like everything in the world is going to be okay because you’re my brother and I have you. Because you love me.”

As I pulled back so that I could look into his beautiful eyes, my thumb sweeping over his cheek, I gave him a smile. He really didn’t have any idea how deep my love for him went nor how beautiful I thought he was, especially in that moment. But even though I could still see that doubt lurking in the back of his expression I knew he trusted me and the words I said to him. He trusted me with his life. So, in that moment I didn’t hesitate to press my mouth against his softly and he didn’t hesitate to kiss me back. My heart had never felt as full as it did in that moment. 

He was my Zac. I was his Taylor. And together, the world didn’t seem like such a scary place at all. Not when he was there by my side. Not when I had his love.


End file.
